That stupid, annoying feeling
There it is again. That wistful dread. That pessimistic longing. That insidious mind-worm that wears me down. The feeling that I will be alone for the rest of my life.
It pushes me through a desperate sweep of the dating sites. Searching for connection. Something, anything, that would give me some hope for the future. I don't need much. Just enough to let me know that it won't last forever.
But it always ends the same way. Disappointed and feeling gross.
Disappointed because I know from experience that I won't get a message back. The time I put into it would be better spent elsewhere. All I accomplish is knowing how many great women are out there that I will never get to know.
Gross because it's pathetic. I know this isn't the way to meet someone. Girls don't want a guy who wreaks of loneliness. Especially not one who is as disabled as I am. Oh, I try to feign confidence. But how long until they discover I don't know what I'm doing?
There it is again. That eroding, soul-crushing feeling. It lies to me. It tells me that I will never be enough for someone to want. No accomplishment good enough. No character trait lovable enough to make up for the things I don't have.
I hate this stupid, annoying feeling.
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